I’ve recently added tarot readings to my regular blog post features. Last month I did a reading for Emma from Harper and Finch, this month I am doing a reading for Jude from Jessie Jumbles.
This ended up being a highly personal and quite emotionally charged reading, so I just really want to thank Jude for agreeing to share it today. I have a rule which is, if I do a reading ‘for the blog’ then there is no obligation to have it featured. This is to ensure that people don’t feel pressured to share intimate details that they are not comfortable with.
Jude’s business Jessie Jumbles is all about beautiful button jewelry made from fabrics with classic retro patterns.
Jude is totally into retro and vintage and her home is filled with beautiful objects and vintage furniture she has collected. She is mum to Arf, who is five and train-crazy. He has also recently been diagnosed with autism.
I asked Jude for a rough topic area for the reading to be about she said ‘how I’m feeling right now’.
Here is Jude’s reading, which I have, as usual, written as though it is addressed to her. For some reason I can’t write them in the third person, it feels too weird!
Card 1: The Issue – The Outsider (5 of Rainbows) – Rainbows is a suit linked to the earth, and to mundane things. Yet it is also about finding miracles in the mundane. In this card the boy is looking through the gate feeling like he can never be a part of what he is looking at. The lesson of the card is that although the boy thinks the gate is locked, it isn’t. He is only ‘locked out’ in his mind. We talked about what this card might mean for you and several things came up – you said you’d recently been diagnosed with depression, and this card really seemed to relate to both the way that depression can make you feel very disconnected from everybody else, and your feelings about Arf’s autism. You felt that Arf was perceived as an outsider by other children. This, by extension made you an outsider as your worries, stresses and whole day to day experience of child rearing were so different to those of other mothers. We talked about how the imagery of the card not only looked very much like Arf, but was also reminiscent of the school gate and school playground. You shared some stories of how playground relationships are so confusing to Arf, and how you really feel his pain when unthinking children reject him. There was also a sense of grieving, of looking ‘through the gate’ at what life might be like without having to struggle with constant meltdowns and obsessions. I really had the impression that all of these different feelings of being shut out were making you feel unable to access any sense of magic or joy in the everyday.
Card 2: The Unconscious Influences – Patience (7 of Rainbows). Another rainbow suit, this card is about a mundane (but magical) power. The power of time, of waiting. The message of this card is ‘sometimes all you can do is wait.’. You have just been through a grueling process of diagnosis for Arf, have just recognised and sought help about your own feelings of depression, all while managing a busy online shop which also supplies numerous bricks and mortars stockists. Day to day, life can be difficult, and on top of what is going on on a wider scale this is leaving you feeling unhappy. My sense is that this card is telling you to accept your feelings right now, and not beat yourself up about them. Things might not be great, but you can add to that suffering by getting angry with yourself for feeling bad. I experience this myself with anxiety. I feel disconnected from everybody else and what everybody else seems to be experiencing at social events, then I get angry with myself for not being able to relax and enjoy myself, then I feel guilty for getting angry with myself! It’s a vicious cycle! If you can’t accept the root emotion (in my case anxiety), try trying to accept one of the ’emerging’ ones (e.g. the anger or guilt felt at the anxiety), or even just accepting that you can’t accept your feelings right now. It is also saying that these feelings are temporary (albeit very real right now), and we talked about how they may be part of a grieving process for an expected idea of what parenthood would be that has not been met. Give yourself some time to experience this process and be kind with yourself.
Card 3: The Conscious Influences – Friendship ( 2 of Water) This card belongs to the suit of water and as such is linked to emotions. It represents two people who have grown to support each other, are interconnected, but also separate individuals. We talked about a dual meaning for this card, one side being the amazing emotional support of your husband, which I think is definitely a huge part of the meaning of this card. The card is saying, use this support, share with him your feelings and allow your partnership to continue to grow. The other side to this card seemed to be a desire for a wider sense of support from people who understand that your emotional resources are already stretched and to be offered truly supportive friendships where nobody asks you to be anything other than what you are. You felt that friendships were harder to cultivate due to being at your limit of what you could deal with, and due to this struggle to find common ground with other parents when your experience of parenting was often so much more extreme than theirs.
Card 4: What is needed for resolution – Courage (Major Arcana 8) – When this card came up it seemed to make so much sense in terms of the rest of your reading. This card is somewhat self explanatory, it is about finding the courage within yourself to face difficult situations and grow. The message is that courage is needed to soften the barriers you put up and that allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the key to finding your way. It also tells you that right now you can’t know the ways in which your life will one day be flourishing, but that part of this sense of finding courage, is to understand that the leap of faith you need to take is one of faith in yourself: That you can do this, even though it is very difficult. And that one day life will be better, in ways you can’t yet imagine. We talked about how everyday is a fight for a mum of a child with autism, to get your child’s needs heard, to make it to all the appointments, to deal with endless meltdowns and to carve out some time and space for work and for yourself amongst all this. This card is telling you that this fight will be the making of you. The struggle is to keep going, despite not knowing what the future holds.
Card 5: Resolution, the understanding – Guidance (3 of Rainbows) The message of this card is to tune in to your inner guide. We talked about the way that your depression seems to prevent you from hearing your inner voice and how disorientating this is for you. I also feel that there is a dual meaning here in that this card points the way a future you might flourish, by guiding others through this difficult journey. When I said this you immediately mentioned that you were now involved in coordinating a support group for women with endometriosis. I wondered if this could be a place where your difficult journey becomes a source of strength.
This card, adds yet another Rainbow suit to the reading, suggesting again that this search for beauty and joy in the mundane is a key part of the issue for you. The reading of this ‘rainbow thread’ for me is that your feelings of being an outsider, as well as the lack of mental quiet due to coping with Arf’s frequent distress and repetitive questioning (which perhaps mean you are short on patience) are a part of what is blocking you experiencing small moments of joy, and this ‘magic in the mundane’. The Patience card here is about not trying to force or expect magical moments, or moments of joy and happiness but perhaps just recognising them, however briefly they appear, and giving them space. It is about giving yourself time and space. I think it is also about having patience with your inner guide, which may be being drowned out by all the well meaning advice, information overload, and background noise in your life right now. You told me how, with an incredible sense of guilt, you just zoned out and watched Netflix when you got home from taking Arf to school. I think sometimes your inner voice functions not by speaking but by just making us do what we need to do – and maybe giving yourself a break, to switch off and have no demands made of you was what you needed right then. It’s okay to need a break, and to take one.
To draw the cards together a little, this reading points to you giving yourself time and love both to rest your mind and to face difficult feelings; To you letting tiny moments of joy in and letting them breathe; To you seeking out places and people that make you feel that you and Arf are not outsiders, but people who belong; Letting go of friendships or associations where you don’t feel supported, in favour of friendships that are based on a shared understanding of parenting; To you beginning to find that your experience can help others, and that realisation taking you to place that is beyond what you are able to imagine right now; To where you are able to see that your inner courage and strength has always been there.
Many thanks for sharing your experiences Jude.
I really hope you guys are enjoying my tarot reading series. Thank you to everyone who has contacted me about having a reading. I now have enough volunteers for blog posts to take me up until December! I can’t believe the response! If you have already talked to me about having a free reading, then stay in touch, you are on my list and I am looking forward to doing a reading with you soon. If you haven’t got in touch yet and would like a reading all my free spaces are now booked up for the year, but I am now accepting paying customers. If you would like to find out more please get in touch.